Why We Prepare Children for Exams but Not for Relationships

Age focus: 5 - 18

In schools, we are meticulous about preparation. We scaffold learning, map outcomes, assess progress, and intervene early when a child is falling behind. We do this for literacy, numeracy, exams, and careers.

But when it comes to relationships, arguably the area of life most likely to affect a young person’s mental health, safety, and long-term wellbeing, we largely rely on hope...

Hope that they’ll “pick it up naturally.”Hope that families will handle it. Hope that one or two lessons a year will be enough.

They aren’t.

Relationships are not intuitive — they are learned

There’s a persistent belief that relationships, attraction, and intimacy are somehow instinctive. That young people will “just know” how to navigate them when the time comes.

What I see in classrooms tells a very different story.

Children learn how relationships work long before they experience anything romantic or sexual.

They learn through:

• how adults model boundaries and communication

• how peers reward or punish behaviour

• what media portrays as normal or desirable

• what is never talked about at all

By the time a child reaches their early teens, they already have a working theory of relationships. It might be flawed, risky, or based on misinformation, but it exists. And if we don’t help shape it, something else will.

We teach outcomes, not process

Schools are excellent at teaching what success looks like. We are far less comfortable teaching how to navigate messy human situations.

In exams, we teach:

• how to revise

• how to manage stress

• how to analyse mistakes

• how to ask for help

  
  

In relationships, we often skip straight to warnings:

• “Don’t send images.”

• “Don’t have sex too young.”

• “Just say no.”

• “Tell an adult.”

  
  

These messages are not wrong, but they are incomplete.

Young people don’t struggle because they don’t know the rules. They struggle because they haven’t been taught the skills:

• how to read pressure

• how to pause when emotions are intense

• how to handle rejection without humiliation

• how to recognise when attention isn’t the same as care

  
  

We would never expect a child to pass an exam without teaching them how to revise. Yet we routinely expect them to handle emotionally complex, high-stakes situations with almost no preparation.

Avoidance doesn’t create safety — it creates silence

Many adults avoid relationship education because they fear “putting ideas in children’s heads.” In reality, ideas are already there.

Silence doesn’t delay curiosity. It simply means:

• questions are answered elsewhere

• peers become the experts

• media fills the gaps

• misinformation goes unchallenged

  
  

By the time schools feel comfortable addressing relationships in depth, many students are already navigating them, often without language, confidence, or support.

This is especially true for:

• children entering puberty earlier

• students with additional vulnerabilities

• young people who don’t see themselves represented in “typical” examples

  
  

Avoidance doesn’t protect these students. It isolates them.

Relationship education is risk education

We accept that young people will face risk in other areas of life. We teach them road safety, online safety, and substance education, not because we expect perfect behaviour, but because we want informed decision-making.

Relationships should be treated the same way.

Good relationship education does not encourage young people to rush into experiences. It gives them:

• frameworks for thinking

• language for uncertainty

• permission to slow down

• tools to seek help early

  
  

It shifts the focus from obedience to agency.

That is uncomfortable for some adults — but it is how real safety is built.

This starts earlier than we think

Relationship education is not “the sex talk.” In primary school, it looks like:

• naming feelings accurately

• practising saying no and hearing no

• understanding fairness and power

• learning that affection is not owed

  
  

In secondary school, it expands to:

• attraction and infatuation

• peer pressure and status

• digital behaviour

• consent as an ongoing process

  
  

Each stage builds on the last. When schools delay, they don’t pause development — they just lose influence.

Preparing for life, not just assessment

Schools rightly pride themselves on preparing young people for the future. But exams are not the moments that most shape a person’s life trajectory.

Relationships are.

If we want young people to make informed choices, not perfect ones, but thoughtful ones, we need to treat relationship education with the same seriousness we give academic success.

That means:

• consistent, age-appropriate teaching

• staff confidence, not fear

• partnership with parents, not avoidance

• honesty over reassurance

  
  

Young people don’t need adults to be comfortable. They need adults to be useful.